{"id":688,"date":"2026-03-09T08:08:04","date_gmt":"2026-03-09T12:08:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/?post_type=chapter&#038;p=688"},"modified":"2026-03-24T10:38:41","modified_gmt":"2026-03-24T14:38:41","slug":"chapter-9-talking-about-tfgbv-and-providing-support","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/chapter\/chapter-9-talking-about-tfgbv-and-providing-support\/","title":{"raw":"Chapter 12: Providing Support for TFGBV Survivors","rendered":"Chapter 12: Providing Support for TFGBV Survivors"},"content":{"raw":"<p style=\"text-align: right\"><a id=\"quick-exit-btn\" href=\"https:\/\/google.ca\" title=\"Quick Exit\">EXIT SITE<\/a><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<h1>Chapter 12: Providing Support for TFGBV Survivors<\/h1>\r\nSometimes, a survivor who is experiencing TFGBV will not bring it up to you at first. Instead, you may have to do your own check-in, if you suspect TFGBV.\r\n\r\nIn these cases, you may feel something is \u201coff\" with a person, but you may also worry about saying the wrong thing or making the person feel judged or pressured. In this chapter we will discuss having <strong>conversations about TFGBV and then how to provide support to survivors.<\/strong>\r\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--learning-objectives\"><header class=\"textbox__header\">\r\n<p class=\"textbox__title\">Learning Objectives<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/header>\r\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>Learn how to approach conversations about TFGBV while prioritizing safety, curiosity, and autonomy of survivors.<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Learn how to provide support for survivors of TFGBV.<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<h1>How to ask about TFGBV<\/h1>\r\nAsking about TFGBV requires gentleness, respect, and a focus on the person\u2019s feelings rather than the technology itself. The goal is to open a door to a conversation, rather than to force them to tell you everything. A supportive approach works best when it combines three elements: <strong>safety, curiosity, and autonomy.<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">Safety<\/span>: Creating the Conditions for a Safe Conversation<\/h2>\r\nA person is more likely to talk if they feel calm, respected, and in control. Before asking anything, caregivers can pay attention to:\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>Privacy, so the person is not overheard<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Tone of voice that is soft and non\u2011urgent<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Body language that is open and relaxed<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Timing, choosing a moment when the person is not stressed or distracted<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<strong>These small choices help the person feel safe enough to share.<\/strong>\r\n\r\nYou may also want to consider if you are the best person to have this conversation with. For example, if you have triggers or have experienced traumatic events related to GBV or something similar, you need to consider whether you are able to engage in this conversation safely.\r\n\r\nYour safety and ability to engage in this conversation appropriately will have a <strong>big impact on how the survivor will feel and respond.<\/strong>\r\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--key-takeaways\"><header class=\"textbox__header\">\r\n<p class=\"textbox__title\" style=\"text-align: center\">Reflect<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/header>\r\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\r\n\r\nIn <strong>Leila and Aisha's<\/strong> story in <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/chapter\/case-study-3a-whats-going-on-with-leila\/\">Case Study #3A<\/a><\/strong>,\u00a0how should Aisha approach a conversation with her daughter about TFGBV?\r\n\r\nWhat did she do well? What would you add to her approach?\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">Gentle<\/span>: Gentle Ways to Start the Conversation<\/h2>\r\nOpeners that focus on <strong>feelings<\/strong> <strong>rather than accusations<\/strong> help reduce fear and shame. You might be able to try:\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>\u201cI have noticed you seem stressed when your phone goes off. How are you feeling about things online lately?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cSometimes online spaces can feel overwhelming. Has anything been bothering you?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cYou deserve to feel safe when you use your phone. Is anything making you uncomfortable?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cI care about you and want to check in. How have things been going with your apps or messages?\u201d<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nThese questions first reaffirm a truth and feeling of care, which grounds the conversation. Then, they ask a general question around their technology use and experiences. Hopefully, this invites conversation without assuming anything is wrong or creating unnecessary fear.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"513\"]<img src=\"https:\/\/i.insider.com\/5f3169c5de1e9606223d7521?width=700\" alt=\"Two people are speaking to one another. One places a hand on the others shoulder in an act of comfort.\" width=\"513\" height=\"385\" \/> Being gentle in your line of questioning and approach to conversations around TFGBV is vital to ensuring that survivors feel safe, and avoid being retraumatized.[\/caption]\r\n\r\nSometimes your instinct or hunch is wrong, and no TFGBV is actually occurring. However, if you see the signs of TFGBV, it's better to ask to make sure that there is nothing wrong, than to assume all is well.\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">Autonomy<\/span>: Questions That Respect Autonomy<\/h2>\r\nPeople experiencing TFGBV often feel watched or controlled. Questions should give them space to choose what to share, and with whom. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Supportive examples include:<\/strong><\/span>\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>\u201cWould you like to talk about anything that has been happening online?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cDo you want help with anything on your device, or would you prefer to handle it yourself?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cIs there anything online that feels confusing or upsetting?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cDo you feel safe with the people you talk to online?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\"If something is going on that you don't want to tell me, do you have someone you can talk to for support?\"<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nThese questions show care without taking over the conversation or forcing disclosures or reporting.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_728\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"551\"]<img src=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"551\" height=\"310\" class=\"wp-image-728\" \/> People with disabilities are often subject to excessive surveillance and limited privacy. They are also subject to [pb_glossary id=\"729\"]infantilization[\/pb_glossary]. These factors mean that people with disabilities often have their choices and autonomy taken away from them, and are forced to be dependent on others (Robey et al., 2006).[\/caption]Below, we have provided further examples of how questions about different forms of violence, which do not directly accuse or pressure someone.\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<h2>Examples of asking gentle and curious questions<\/h2>\r\n<h3>Questions that can help assess if someone is experiencing digital coercive control:<\/h3>\r\nIf you suspect that someone is being monitored or pressured, you can ask in a way that avoids blame, instead of: <em>\"Have you experienced coercive control?\", <\/em><strong>try:<\/strong>\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>\u201cHas anyone been asking for your passwords or checking your phone without asking?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cHas anyone been telling you what you can or cannot do online?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cHas anyone made you feel scared to post or message people?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cHas anyone changed things on your device without explaining why?\u201d<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nThese questions focus on behaviour, not the person\u2019s choices.\r\n<h3>Questions to check if someone is experiencing TFGBV from a caregiver or service provider:<\/h3>\r\nFor people who need help with technology, it is important to separate support from control. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Ask questions like:<\/strong><\/span>\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>\u201cDo you feel comfortable with the way people help you with your technology?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cIs there anyone helping you with your device who makes you feel nervous or unsure?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cDo you want to choose someone else to help you with your phone or apps?\u201d<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nThese questions reinforce that support should feel safe, not forced.\r\n\r\n<header class=\"textbox__header\"><\/header>\r\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\r\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--key-takeaways\"><header class=\"textbox__header\">\r\n<p class=\"textbox__title\" style=\"text-align: center\">Reflect<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/header>\r\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\r\n\r\nCan you think of other specific questions you can ask about different forms of violence? For example, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>try to reword the following questions:<\/strong><\/span>\r\n<ol>\r\n \t<li>Has someone been cyberstalking you?<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Why did you stop posting on Instagram? Are you being harassed?<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Why would you keep texting him? I told you he would keep threatening you!<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<strong style=\"color: #1f2933;font-size: 1.602em\"><span style=\"text-align: initial;color: #333333;font-size: 1em\">What should you avoid when asking about TFGBV?<\/span><\/strong>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\nCertain approaches can shut down conversation or increase fear for the person who may be experiencing TFGBV. As a caregiver, family member, or other loved one, you have a responsibility to try to avoid re-traumatizing or assigning blame to the survivor. To do this, <b><u>keep the following rules in mind:<\/u><\/b>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"font-size: 1em\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong> <\/span>ask: \u201cWhy did you let this happen?\u201d or saying things like, \"I told you they were bad news!\" As it places blame on the survivor.<\/span>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do no<\/strong><\/span>t demand or confiscate the survivor's phone or devices. This strips them of autonomy in an already vulnerable situation.\r\n\r\n<span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong><\/span> threaten to hurt or seek revenge about the person you suspect is causing harm. This does not help and can make the survivor feel responsible for your own negative reaction, and may even cause them to hold back information.\r\n\r\n<span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong><\/span> minimize the survivor's feelings, for example, saying, \"It's not that bad.\" Or, \"Don't be silly, they can't hurt you.\"\r\n\r\n<span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong><\/span> make promises you cannot keep. For example: saying \"I will never let them hurt you again,\" may disempower them, and create dependence on you. Instead, say, \"I will help you as much as I can, and you will find a way for you to feel safe again.\"\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"435\" height=\"219\" class=\"wp-image-339 aligncenter\" \/>\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--exercises\"><header class=\"textbox__header\">\r\n<p class=\"textbox__title\" style=\"text-align: center\">Activity<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/header>\r\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\r\n<div class=\"postbox h5p-sidebar\">\r\n<div class=\"h5p-action-bar-settings h5p-panel\"><code>[h5p id=\"27\"]<\/code><\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<div class=\"postbox h5p-sidebar\"><\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h1>\"What do I do if a survivor does not want to talk to me?\"<\/h1>\r\nNot everyone is ready to share. Caregivers and family members can keep the door to communication open by keeping calm and using very open language. You can say things like:\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>\u201cThat is okay. You can talk to me anytime.\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cYou do not have to explain anything right now.\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cI am here for you whenever you feel ready.\u201d<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nThis helps the person feel respected rather than pressured.\r\n\r\n<span style=\"text-decoration: underline;background-color: #ffff00\"><strong>Safety note:<\/strong><\/span> If there are obvious signs of immediate physical danger to this person, either due to their own mental health, due to the severity of the TFGBV, or if the survivor is an underage (under the age of 18) victim of sexual violence, you need to speak up.<strong> Immediate safety should come first. <\/strong> <strong>Access supports listed in our <a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/front-matter\/support-and-resources-page\/\">linked Support and Resources Page.<\/a><\/strong>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"506\" height=\"198\" class=\"wp-image-641 aligncenter\" \/>\r\n<h1>Supporting a Survivor's Next Steps<\/h1>\r\nAfter beginning the conversation about TFGBV, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>what do you do next?<\/strong> <\/span>Next steps should be <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>survivor-directed,<\/strong><\/span> but also <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>appropriate<\/strong> <\/span>according to the situation. In some cases, the survivor will not wish to do anything beyond receiving support from yourself or other loved ones, and engaging in online protection behaviors. While this can be a fine response in some cases, in others, there needs to be an escalation to outside supports.\r\n\r\nAgain, if there are obvious signs of immediate physical danger to this person, <strong>immediate safety should come first. Call 112 to contact the SAPS for emergencies. <\/strong><strong>Access additional supports listed in our <a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/front-matter\/support-and-resources-page\/\">linked Support and Resources Page.<\/a><\/strong>\r\n\r\nIf not, but you still know that they need additional help, consider accessing outside supports.\r\n<h2>Encouraging outside supports<\/h2>\r\nIf the person is in danger, it is important to help them connect with someone trained to support people experiencing violence. This may include a trusted friend or family member, a disability support worker, a community-based organization, a doctor or therapist, or a crisis or gender-based violence center. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>You can use phrases like:<\/strong><\/span>\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>\u201cThere are people who can help you stay safe. Would you like me to help you connect with them?\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li>\u201cYou do not have to handle this alone. There are services that understand situations like this.\u201d<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nThe goal is to offer options, not instructions. Another way to help is by taking on the task of managing accessibility for them. Many times, people with disabilities are forced to do the work of locating accessible and inclusive resources, on their own. This can create fatigue and labour that makes it more difficult to seek help (read more about this in an article by <a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.58680\/ce202131093\">Annika Konrad<\/a>).\r\n\r\nConsider the suggestions we have provided, but also look into your own <strong>local resources.<\/strong> By doing so, you can check for their accessibility and appropriateness for your loved one, giving them a simpler route to finding support.\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<h2>Resources<\/h2>\r\n<div class=\"csl-bib-body\">\r\n<div>\r\n<div class=\"csl-bib-body\">\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li class=\"csl-entry\">Konrad, A. M. (2021). Access Fatigue: The Rhetorical Work of Disability in Everyday Life. <i>College English<\/i>, <i>83<\/i>(3), 179\u2013199. <a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.58680\/ce202131093\">https:\/\/doi.org\/10.58680\/ce202131093.<\/a><\/li>\r\n \t<li>Robey, K. L., Beckley, L., &amp; Kirschner, M. (2006). Implicit Infantilizing Attitudes About Disability. <i style=\"font-size: 1em\">Journal of Developmental and Physical Disabilities<\/i><span style=\"font-size: 1em\">, <\/span><i style=\"font-size: 1em\">18<\/i><span style=\"font-size: 1em\">(4), 441\u2013453. <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1007\/s10882-006-9027-3\" style=\"font-size: 1em\">https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1007\/s10882-006-9027-3<\/a><span class=\"Z3988\" title=\"url_ver=Z39.88-2004&amp;ctx_ver=Z39.88-2004&amp;rfr_id=info%3Asid%2Fzotero.org%3A2&amp;rft_id=info%3Adoi%2F10.58680%2Fce202131093&amp;rft_val_fmt=info%3Aofi%2Ffmt%3Akev%3Amtx%3Ajournal&amp;rft.genre=article&amp;rft.atitle=Access%20Fatigue%3A%20The%20Rhetorical%20Work%20of%20Disability%20in%20Everyday%20Life&amp;rft.jtitle=College%20English&amp;rft.volume=83&amp;rft.issue=3&amp;rft.aufirst=Annika%20M.&amp;rft.aulast=Konrad&amp;rft.au=Annika%20M.%20Konrad&amp;rft.date=2021-01-01&amp;rft.pages=179-199&amp;rft.spage=179&amp;rft.epage=199&amp;rft.issn=0010-0994%2C%202161-8178&amp;rft.language=en\"><\/span><\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>","rendered":"<p style=\"text-align: right\"><a id=\"quick-exit-btn\" href=\"https:\/\/google.ca\" title=\"Quick Exit\">EXIT SITE<\/a><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h1>Chapter 12: Providing Support for TFGBV Survivors<\/h1>\n<p>Sometimes, a survivor who is experiencing TFGBV will not bring it up to you at first. Instead, you may have to do your own check-in, if you suspect TFGBV.<\/p>\n<p>In these cases, you may feel something is \u201coff&#8221; with a person, but you may also worry about saying the wrong thing or making the person feel judged or pressured. In this chapter we will discuss having <strong>conversations about TFGBV and then how to provide support to survivors.<\/strong><\/p>\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--learning-objectives\">\n<header class=\"textbox__header\">\n<p class=\"textbox__title\">Learning Objectives<\/p>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\n<ul>\n<li>Learn how to approach conversations about TFGBV while prioritizing safety, curiosity, and autonomy of survivors.<\/li>\n<li>Learn how to provide support for survivors of TFGBV.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h1>How to ask about TFGBV<\/h1>\n<p>Asking about TFGBV requires gentleness, respect, and a focus on the person\u2019s feelings rather than the technology itself. The goal is to open a door to a conversation, rather than to force them to tell you everything. A supportive approach works best when it combines three elements: <strong>safety, curiosity, and autonomy.<\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">Safety<\/span>: Creating the Conditions for a Safe Conversation<\/h2>\n<p>A person is more likely to talk if they feel calm, respected, and in control. Before asking anything, caregivers can pay attention to:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Privacy, so the person is not overheard<\/li>\n<li>Tone of voice that is soft and non\u2011urgent<\/li>\n<li>Body language that is open and relaxed<\/li>\n<li>Timing, choosing a moment when the person is not stressed or distracted<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>These small choices help the person feel safe enough to share.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You may also want to consider if you are the best person to have this conversation with. For example, if you have triggers or have experienced traumatic events related to GBV or something similar, you need to consider whether you are able to engage in this conversation safely.<\/p>\n<p>Your safety and ability to engage in this conversation appropriately will have a <strong>big impact on how the survivor will feel and respond.<\/strong><\/p>\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--key-takeaways\">\n<header class=\"textbox__header\">\n<p class=\"textbox__title\" style=\"text-align: center\">Reflect<\/p>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\n<p>In <strong>Leila and Aisha&#8217;s<\/strong> story in <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/chapter\/case-study-3a-whats-going-on-with-leila\/\">Case Study #3A<\/a><\/strong>,\u00a0how should Aisha approach a conversation with her daughter about TFGBV?<\/p>\n<p>What did she do well? What would you add to her approach?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">Gentle<\/span>: Gentle Ways to Start the Conversation<\/h2>\n<p>Openers that focus on <strong>feelings<\/strong> <strong>rather than accusations<\/strong> help reduce fear and shame. You might be able to try:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cI have noticed you seem stressed when your phone goes off. How are you feeling about things online lately?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cSometimes online spaces can feel overwhelming. Has anything been bothering you?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cYou deserve to feel safe when you use your phone. Is anything making you uncomfortable?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI care about you and want to check in. How have things been going with your apps or messages?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These questions first reaffirm a truth and feeling of care, which grounds the conversation. Then, they ask a general question around their technology use and experiences. Hopefully, this invites conversation without assuming anything is wrong or creating unnecessary fear.<\/p>\n<figure style=\"width: 513px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i.insider.com\/5f3169c5de1e9606223d7521?width=700\" alt=\"Two people are speaking to one another. One places a hand on the others shoulder in an act of comfort.\" width=\"513\" height=\"385\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Being gentle in your line of questioning and approach to conversations around TFGBV is vital to ensuring that survivors feel safe, and avoid being retraumatized.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>Sometimes your instinct or hunch is wrong, and no TFGBV is actually occurring. However, if you see the signs of TFGBV, it&#8217;s better to ask to make sure that there is nothing wrong, than to assume all is well.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">Autonomy<\/span>: Questions That Respect Autonomy<\/h2>\n<p>People experiencing TFGBV often feel watched or controlled. Questions should give them space to choose what to share, and with whom. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Supportive examples include:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cWould you like to talk about anything that has been happening online?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cDo you want help with anything on your device, or would you prefer to handle it yourself?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cIs there anything online that feels confusing or upsetting?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cDo you feel safe with the people you talk to online?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If something is going on that you don&#8217;t want to tell me, do you have someone you can talk to for support?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These questions show care without taking over the conversation or forcing disclosures or reporting.<\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_728\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-728\" style=\"width: 551px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"551\" height=\"310\" class=\"wp-image-728\" srcset=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22.png 1920w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22-300x169.png 300w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22-1024x576.png 1024w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22-768x432.png 768w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22-1536x864.png 1536w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22-65x37.png 65w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22-225x127.png 225w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/03\/a-22-350x197.png 350w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 551px) 100vw, 551px\" \/><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-728\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">People with disabilities are often subject to excessive surveillance and limited privacy. They are also subject to [pb_glossary id=\"729\"]infantilization[\/pb_glossary]. These factors mean that people with disabilities often have their choices and autonomy taken away from them, and are forced to be dependent on others (Robey et al., 2006).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>Below, we have provided further examples of how questions about different forms of violence, which do not directly accuse or pressure someone.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2>Examples of asking gentle and curious questions<\/h2>\n<h3>Questions that can help assess if someone is experiencing digital coercive control:<\/h3>\n<p>If you suspect that someone is being monitored or pressured, you can ask in a way that avoids blame, instead of: <em>&#8220;Have you experienced coercive control?&#8221;, <\/em><strong>try:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cHas anyone been asking for your passwords or checking your phone without asking?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cHas anyone been telling you what you can or cannot do online?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cHas anyone made you feel scared to post or message people?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cHas anyone changed things on your device without explaining why?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These questions focus on behaviour, not the person\u2019s choices.<\/p>\n<h3>Questions to check if someone is experiencing TFGBV from a caregiver or service provider:<\/h3>\n<p>For people who need help with technology, it is important to separate support from control. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Ask questions like:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cDo you feel comfortable with the way people help you with your technology?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cIs there anyone helping you with your device who makes you feel nervous or unsure?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cDo you want to choose someone else to help you with your phone or apps?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These questions reinforce that support should feel safe, not forced.<\/p>\n<header class=\"textbox__header\"><\/header>\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--key-takeaways\">\n<header class=\"textbox__header\">\n<p class=\"textbox__title\" style=\"text-align: center\">Reflect<\/p>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\n<p>Can you think of other specific questions you can ask about different forms of violence? For example, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>try to reword the following questions:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Has someone been cyberstalking you?<\/li>\n<li>Why did you stop posting on Instagram? Are you being harassed?<\/li>\n<li>Why would you keep texting him? I told you he would keep threatening you!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/>\n<p><strong style=\"color: #1f2933;font-size: 1.602em\"><span style=\"text-align: initial;color: #333333;font-size: 1em\">What should you avoid when asking about TFGBV?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Certain approaches can shut down conversation or increase fear for the person who may be experiencing TFGBV. As a caregiver, family member, or other loved one, you have a responsibility to try to avoid re-traumatizing or assigning blame to the survivor. To do this, <b><u>keep the following rules in mind:<\/u><\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: 1em\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong> <\/span>ask: \u201cWhy did you let this happen?\u201d or saying things like, &#8220;I told you they were bad news!&#8221; As it places blame on the survivor.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do no<\/strong><\/span>t demand or confiscate the survivor&#8217;s phone or devices. This strips them of autonomy in an already vulnerable situation.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong><\/span> threaten to hurt or seek revenge about the person you suspect is causing harm. This does not help and can make the survivor feel responsible for your own negative reaction, and may even cause them to hold back information.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong><\/span> minimize the survivor&#8217;s feelings, for example, saying, &#8220;It&#8217;s not that bad.&#8221; Or, &#8220;Don&#8217;t be silly, they can&#8217;t hurt you.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>Do not<\/strong><\/span> make promises you cannot keep. For example: saying &#8220;I will never let them hurt you again,&#8221; may disempower them, and create dependence on you. Instead, say, &#8220;I will help you as much as I can, and you will find a way for you to feel safe again.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"435\" height=\"219\" class=\"wp-image-339 aligncenter\" srcset=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997.png 1062w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997-300x151.png 300w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997-1024x515.png 1024w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997-768x386.png 768w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997-65x33.png 65w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997-225x113.png 225w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/02\/Module-2A-7-e1771953968997-350x176.png 350w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 435px) 100vw, 435px\" \/><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--exercises\">\n<header class=\"textbox__header\">\n<p class=\"textbox__title\" style=\"text-align: center\">Activity<\/p>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\n<div class=\"postbox h5p-sidebar\">\n<div class=\"h5p-action-bar-settings h5p-panel\"><code><\/p>\n<div id=\"h5p-27\">\n<div class=\"h5p-iframe-wrapper\"><iframe id=\"h5p-iframe-27\" class=\"h5p-iframe\" data-content-id=\"27\" style=\"height:1px\" src=\"about:blank\" frameBorder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" title=\"Chapter 12: Select the best questions\"><\/iframe><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><\/code><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"postbox h5p-sidebar\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h1>&#8220;What do I do if a survivor does not want to talk to me?&#8221;<\/h1>\n<p>Not everyone is ready to share. Caregivers and family members can keep the door to communication open by keeping calm and using very open language. You can say things like:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cThat is okay. You can talk to me anytime.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cYou do not have to explain anything right now.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI am here for you whenever you feel ready.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>This helps the person feel respected rather than pressured.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;background-color: #ffff00\"><strong>Safety note:<\/strong><\/span> If there are obvious signs of immediate physical danger to this person, either due to their own mental health, due to the severity of the TFGBV, or if the survivor is an underage (under the age of 18) victim of sexual violence, you need to speak up.<strong> Immediate safety should come first. <\/strong> <strong>Access supports listed in our <a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/front-matter\/support-and-resources-page\/\">linked Support and Resources Page.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"506\" height=\"198\" class=\"wp-image-641 aligncenter\" srcset=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814.png 1920w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814-300x117.png 300w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814-1024x400.png 1024w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814-768x300.png 768w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814-1536x600.png 1536w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814-65x25.png 65w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814-225x88.png 225w, https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/450\/2026\/01\/a-14-e1773010521814-350x137.png 350w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 506px) 100vw, 506px\" \/><\/p>\n<h1>Supporting a Survivor&#8217;s Next Steps<\/h1>\n<p>After beginning the conversation about TFGBV, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>what do you do next?<\/strong> <\/span>Next steps should be <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>survivor-directed,<\/strong><\/span> but also <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>appropriate<\/strong> <\/span>according to the situation. In some cases, the survivor will not wish to do anything beyond receiving support from yourself or other loved ones, and engaging in online protection behaviors. While this can be a fine response in some cases, in others, there needs to be an escalation to outside supports.<\/p>\n<p>Again, if there are obvious signs of immediate physical danger to this person, <strong>immediate safety should come first. Call 112 to contact the SAPS for emergencies. <\/strong><strong>Access additional supports listed in our <a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/front-matter\/support-and-resources-page\/\">linked Support and Resources Page.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If not, but you still know that they need additional help, consider accessing outside supports.<\/p>\n<h2>Encouraging outside supports<\/h2>\n<p>If the person is in danger, it is important to help them connect with someone trained to support people experiencing violence. This may include a trusted friend or family member, a disability support worker, a community-based organization, a doctor or therapist, or a crisis or gender-based violence center. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\"><strong>You can use phrases like:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cThere are people who can help you stay safe. Would you like me to help you connect with them?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cYou do not have to handle this alone. There are services that understand situations like this.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The goal is to offer options, not instructions. Another way to help is by taking on the task of managing accessibility for them. Many times, people with disabilities are forced to do the work of locating accessible and inclusive resources, on their own. This can create fatigue and labour that makes it more difficult to seek help (read more about this in an article by <a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.58680\/ce202131093\">Annika Konrad<\/a>).<\/p>\n<p>Consider the suggestions we have provided, but also look into your own <strong>local resources.<\/strong> By doing so, you can check for their accessibility and appropriateness for your loved one, giving them a simpler route to finding support.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2>Resources<\/h2>\n<div class=\"csl-bib-body\">\n<div>\n<div class=\"csl-bib-body\">\n<ul>\n<li class=\"csl-entry\">Konrad, A. M. (2021). Access Fatigue: The Rhetorical Work of Disability in Everyday Life. <i>College English<\/i>, <i>83<\/i>(3), 179\u2013199. <a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.58680\/ce202131093\">https:\/\/doi.org\/10.58680\/ce202131093.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Robey, K. L., Beckley, L., &amp; Kirschner, M. (2006). Implicit Infantilizing Attitudes About Disability. <i style=\"font-size: 1em\">Journal of Developmental and Physical Disabilities<\/i><span style=\"font-size: 1em\">, <\/span><i style=\"font-size: 1em\">18<\/i><span style=\"font-size: 1em\">(4), 441\u2013453. <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1007\/s10882-006-9027-3\" style=\"font-size: 1em\">https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1007\/s10882-006-9027-3<\/a><span class=\"Z3988\" title=\"url_ver=Z39.88-2004&amp;ctx_ver=Z39.88-2004&amp;rfr_id=info%3Asid%2Fzotero.org%3A2&amp;rft_id=info%3Adoi%2F10.58680%2Fce202131093&amp;rft_val_fmt=info%3Aofi%2Ffmt%3Akev%3Amtx%3Ajournal&amp;rft.genre=article&amp;rft.atitle=Access%20Fatigue%3A%20The%20Rhetorical%20Work%20of%20Disability%20in%20Everyday%20Life&amp;rft.jtitle=College%20English&amp;rft.volume=83&amp;rft.issue=3&amp;rft.aufirst=Annika%20M.&amp;rft.aulast=Konrad&amp;rft.au=Annika%20M.%20Konrad&amp;rft.date=2021-01-01&amp;rft.pages=179-199&amp;rft.spage=179&amp;rft.epage=199&amp;rft.issn=0010-0994%2C%202161-8178&amp;rft.language=en\"><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":554,"menu_order":2,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"pb_show_title":"","pb_short_title":"","pb_subtitle":"","pb_authors":[],"pb_section_license":""},"chapter-type":[48],"contributor":[],"license":[],"class_list":["post-688","chapter","type-chapter","status-publish","hentry","chapter-type-standard"],"part":28,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/688","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/chapter"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/554"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=688"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/688\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":996,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/688\/revisions\/996"}],"part":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/parts\/28"}],"metadata":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/688\/metadata\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=688"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"chapter-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapter-type?post=688"},{"taxonomy":"contributor","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/contributor?post=688"},{"taxonomy":"license","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.torontomu.ca\/tfgbvsafetytraining\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/license?post=688"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}