Activity 3.4 Forgiveness Card Exercise

ACT Processes:

• All

Objectives:

• Recognize the suffering caused by fusion with past experiences
• Foster a defused relationship with the past as history
• Allow opportunity, if the participant is ready, to choose to let go of the past in the presence of acceptance and values

Participation Format:

• This will be a 2-part exercise. For the first part, participants will do this on their own; for the second part, the exercise will be done in pairs.

Number of Facilitators:

• 2

Time Required:

• 45 mins

Materials Required:

• Appendix 3.4 orgiveness Card (print on heavier paper if available – 2nd page should be printed upside down)

Activities & Instructions

1. Introduce the topic of forgiveness. Draw a big hook on the flipchart with 2 small fish on it.

• When someone has wronged us before in the past, it can be a very natural and reasonable reaction to feel angry, even when it consumes us and hurts us further. From an ACT perspective, we can look at this metaphor*:
• Imagine how there is a huge fish hook – a “wrong” has been committed – it hooks both you and the offender together like two fish on a hook … it is undeniably painful, and what is more, if you don’t let the other person off the hook, you are also not free from it – so you are both on the hook together

2. Distribute a handout and have participants complete it based on their past experience of hurt.

• With this in mind, let’s do an exercise on forgiveness. Please fill in the handout. (see Appendix 3.4.1) Think about a situation in which you have been wronged; something that you still feel quite upset about and wish you could bring yourself to forgive.Now, on the side with the hook, on the bottom left, write down just a few lines about how you have been wronged by the other person under “Story”, and on the right side write the consequences of how you suffer. These may be a few words about how angry or hurt you feel or what you can no longer do. For example, on one side you may put down how you have been teased by a childhood friend, and on the other side you may put down “anger” and “avoid making friends.”
• Then please flip the page around. We are often hurt because within that story we feel as if our values are somehow being undermined. See if you can reconnect with your values underneath your pain and suffering. What kind of relationship would you have liked to have with that person who wronged you – if you have somehow miraculously and completely forgiven the person? If that’s impossible to imagine, then imagine that the wrong was somehow never committed. On the box beside it, think about what actions you would like to be able to do in the service of your values if you can move past the hurt.

3. Paired Sharing.

• Once you have finished, turn over the paper in your hand several times. Notice that they are on the back of each other and are interconnected. Certainly, the story and suffering had occurred and we can never go back and change them – and they are on a page recorded in your book of life. The other boxes on the flip side are what you have just consciously reconnected with today – your values and the actions you would like to carry out. Take a moment to flip this paper over back and forth several times – and choose – at this moment – which side of the page you would like to be on – the historical side or the present values you have just connected with. Be honest with yourself. Which side are you willing to be on – at least for this moment in time?
• Now, please fold the paper in half so that the side you choose is on the outside. It will fold just like a horizontal greeting card – one side with either a circle or hook on it, and the backside with 2 written boxes. Please find a partner, sit opposite with each other, and share what this exercise has been like for you.You can place your paper like a greeting card on your lap – with the symbol facing the partner, letting him/her know that you are either feeling “centered and open” or feeling “hooked” right now. Feel free to choose what and how much to share – including the 2 boxes facing you or what you know is inside the card.

4. Large Group Sharing & Debriefing

• What has the experience been like for you?

Bring out the following points:

(i) What hurts us in the present moment is fusion:

• What happened did hurt us, and our suffering continues when we get fused and “hooked” by the story.

(ii) Forgiveness is about our choice:

• Notice the relationship of the 2 sides of your card – inner and outer. We can choose to have our story be the inner history and build our compassionate values and actions on that history, or the opposite, we can get hooked into expressing our story and hurt, when really, buried inside are our cherished values and committed actions. Which side do we want to nurture and highlight and which side would you like to be the backdrop?
• In our lives, we may encounter many people who wrong us… if we decorate our desk full of these greeting cards – how would you like to place them?
• Forgiveness and moving on is about our choice then from moment to moment – to reconnect with our values and compassion as opposed to getting caught up with the story.

(iii) What forgiveness is not:

• Denial:forgiveness does not mean we condone the story or erase the story or rewrite the story. Our feelings of anger and hurt may also hang around, attached to the story. It is whether we are caught up with the story and suffering – like the anger and the constricted action patterns. So it is acceptance – willingness to have our story and suffering as part of that history.
• Conditional:forgiveness does not depend on other things to happen. It does not depend on the person apologizing and being punished. These wishful thoughts are just part of that same story and about how wrong that person is. Focusing on this is just adding more to our story and suffering.Do we want more of this – to make our story longer? Forgiveness is available to us … right now
• Permanent:notice that the card flips easily. It is not uncommon that when we think we have forgiven the person, we still feel angry later on when triggered. So forgiveness itself is a valued direction based on compassion – and our committed action in forgiveness is choosing at any given moment which side to fold the paper.

References & Sources

• Fish hook metaphor – Hayes et al, 1999, p 253

Appendix 3.4 – orgiveness Card