Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain
Act Five, Scene One
Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house, with CARIO and other SERVANTS, dragging PYRGOPOLINICES.[1]
PERIPLECOMENUS
Bring that fellow along. If he doesn’t follow, drag him, lifted on high[2], out of doors. Make him to be between heaven and earth; cut him in pieces. They beat him.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By my troth, I do entreat you, Periplecomenus.
PERIPLECOMENUS
By my troth, you do entreat in vain. Take care, Cario, that that knife of yours is very sharp.
CARIO
Why, it’s already longing to rip up the stomach of this letcher. I’ll make his entrails hang just as a bauble hangs from a baby’s neck.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’m a dead man.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Not yet; you say so too soon.
CARIO
Shall I have at this fellow now?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Aye,–but first let him be thrashed with cudgels.
CARIO
True, right lustily.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Why have you dared, you disgraceful fellow, to seduce another man’s wife?
PYRGOPOLINICES
So may the Gods bless me, she came to me of her own accord.
PERIPLECOMENUS
It’s a lie. Lay on. They are about to strike.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Stay, while I tell—-
PERIPLECOMENUS
Why are you hesitating?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Will you not let me speak?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Speak, then.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I was entreated to come here.
PERIPLECOMENUS
How did you dare? There’s for you, take that. Strikes him.
PYRGOPOLINICES
O! O! I’ve had enough. Prithee, now.
CARIO
Am I to begin cutting him up at once?
PERIPLECOMENUS
As soon as you like. Stretch the fellow out, and spread out his pinions[3] in opposite ways.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By heavens, prithee, do hear my words before he cuts me.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Speak before you’re made of no sex.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I supposed that she was a widow; and so her maid, who was her go-between, informed me.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Now take an oath that you won’t injure any person for this affair, because you have been beaten here today, or shall be beaten hereafter, if we let you go safe hence, you dear little grandson of Venus[4].
PYRGOPOLINICES
I swear by Dione[5] and Mars that I will hurt no one because I have been beaten here this day; and I think that it was rightfully done; and if I don’t go hence further injured, I am rightly punished for the offence.
PERIPLECOMENUS
But what if you don’t do so?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Then, may I always have my word not to be trusted[6].
CARIO
Let him be beaten once more; after that I think he may be dismissed.
PYRGOPOLINICES
May the Gods ever bless you, since you so kindly come as my advocate.
CARIO
Give us a golden mina[7], then.
PYRGOPOLINICES
For what reason?
CARIO
That we may now let you go hence unmaimed, you little grandson of Venus; otherwise you shall not escape from here; don’t you deceive yourself.
PYRGOPOLINICES
It shall be given you.
CARIO
You’re very wise. As for your tunic, and your scarf[8], and sword, don’t at all hope for them; you shan’t have them.
A SERVANT.
Shall I beat him again, or do you let him go?
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’m tamed by your cudgels. I do entreat you.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Loose him.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I return you thanks.
PERIPLECOMENUS
If I ever catch you here again, I’ll insert a disqualifying clause.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Well: I make no objection.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Let’s go in, Cario. PERIPLECOMENUS, CARIO, and SERVANTS go into his house. Enter SCLEDRUS and other SERVANTS of the CAPTAIN.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Here are some of my servants, I see. Tell me, is Philocomasium off yet.
SCELEDRUS
Aye, some time since.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Ah me!
SCELEDRUS
You would say that[9] still more if you were to know what I know, for that fellow who had the wool before his eye was no sailor.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Who was he, then?
SCELEDRUS
A lover of Philocomasium’s.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How do you know?
SCELEDRUS
I do know: for after they had got out of the city gate, they didn’t wait a moment before falling to kissing and embracing each other at once.
PYRGOPOLINICES
O wretched fool that I am! I see that I have been gulled. That scoundrel of a fellow, Palaestrio, it was he that contrived this plot against me.
SCELEDRUS
I think it was properly done. If it were so done to other letchers, there would be fewer letchers here; they would stand more in awe, and give their attention less to these pursuits.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Let’s go into my house.
AN ACTOR
to the AUDIENCE. Give us your applause.
- Thornton here remarks, that “there cannot be a stranger proof of the absurdities into which the ancients were forced by a preservation of the unity of place than the present passage. The Captain is surprised in Periplecomenus’s own house, carrying on an intrigue with the old gentleman’s pretended wife, in consequence of which they proceed to frighten him with the cook’s threatening to go to work upon him with his knife. Can anything be more unnatural or improbable than that for this purpose they should drag him out of the house and into the public street! ↵
- Lifted on high: He means, “take him in your arms,” or “hoist him on your shoulders.” ↵
- Spread out his pinions: “Dispennite.” He means, “stretch him out as you would spread out to their utmost length the wings of a bird.” ↵
- Grandson of Venus: This is an allusion to the Captains own boast in Act IV. s. 4, that he was the grandson of Venus. ↵
- By Dione: Dione, according to Homer, was the name of the mother of Venus; but the name is much more frequently used, as in the present instance, to signify Venus herself. He appropriately swears by these guardian Deities of intrigue. The translation of l. 1416 is somewhat modified. ↵
- Not to be trusted: “Intestabilis.” A gross pun is here intended, and in l. 1420 as well. The word here signifies “forsworn,” or “perjured,” so infamous, that his testimony will never be received in a Court of justice. ↵
- A golden mina: The golden “mina” was worth ten silver ones, or one thousand “drachmae,” of about ninepence three-farthings each. ↵
- And your scarf: The “chlamys” was an outer garment worn among the Greeks and Oriental nations, somewhat resembling our scarfs. That worn by the Captain would probably be of great value, which of course would tempt the cupidity of his persecutors. The translation of l. 1426 is somewhat modified. ↵
- You would say that: Sceledrus, probably, only enters at this moment with the other servants of the Captain; the editions, in general, somewhat absurdly represent him as present from the beginning of the Fifth Act. ↵