Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain
Act Two, Scene Five
Enter PHILOCOMASIUM[1], dressed in another habit, from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
PHILOCOMASIUM
to a servant SERVANT. Put fire on the altar, that in my joy I may return praises and thanks to Diana of Ephesus, and that I may send up for her a grateful smoke with odours of Arabia: she who has preserved me in the realms of Neptune and amid the boisterous temples[2], where with raging billows I have been so recently dismayed.
SCELEDRUS
discovering her. Palaestrio! O Palaestrio!
PALAESTRIO
Sceledrus! O Sceledrus! What is it you want?
SCELEDRUS
This lady that has come out of that house just now–is she Philocomasium, our master’s lady, or is she not?
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, I think, it seems to be she. But ’tis a wondrous thing how she could pass from our house to next door; if, indeed, it is she.
SCELEDRUS
And have you any doubt that this is she?
PALAESTRIO
It seems to be she.
SCELEDRUS
Let us approach her, and accost her. Hallo! how’s this, Philocomasium? What is there owing to you in that house? What is your business there? Why are you silent now? I am speaking to you.
PALAESTRIO
No, faith, you are talking to yourself; for nothing at all does she answer.
SCELEDRUS
I am addressing you, woman, brimful of viciousness and disgrace, who are roaming about among your neighbours.
PHILOCOMASIUM
To whom are you talking?
SCELEDRUS
To whom but to yourself?
PHILOCOMASIUM
What person are you? Or what business have you with me?
SCELEDRUS
O, you ask me who I am, do you?
PHILOCOMASIUM
Why shouldn’t I ask that which I don’t know?
PALAESTRIO
Who am I, then, if you don’t know him?
PHILOCOMASIUM
You are an annoyance to me, whoever you are, both you and he.
SCELEDRUS
What? don’t you know us?
PHILOCOMASIUM
No, neither of you.
SCELEDRUS
I very much fear—-
PALAESTRIO
What do you fear?
SCELEDRUS
Why, that we have lost ourselves somewhere or other; for she says that she knows neither you nor me.
PALAESTRIO
I wish, Sceledrus, to examine into this, whether we are ourselves, or else some other persons; lest secretly somehow some one of our neighbours may have transformed us without our knowing it.
SCELEDRUS
For my part, beyond a doubt, I am my own self.
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, and so am I.
SCELEDRUS
My lady, you are seeking your destruction. To you I am speaking; hark you, Philocomasium!
PHILOCOMASIUM
What craziness possesses you, to be calling me wrongly by a crackjaw name[3]?
SCELEDRUS
How now! What are you called, then?
PHILOCOMASIUM
My name is Glycera.
SCELEDRUS
For a bad purpose, Philocomasium, you wish to have a wrong name[4]. Away with you, shocking woman; for most notably are you doing a wrong to my master.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I?
SCELEDRUS
Yes, you.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I, who arrived from Athens yesterday evening at Ephesus, with my lover, a young man of Athens?
SCELEDRUS
Tell me, what business have you here in Ephesus?
PHILOCOMASIUM
I had heard that my own twin-sister is here in Ephesus; I came here to look for her.
SCELEDRUS
You’re a good-for-nothing woman.
PHILOCOMASIUM
Yes, i’ faith, I am a very foolish one to be parleying with you fellows. I am going.
SCELEDRUS
I won’t let you go. Catches hold of her.
PHILOCOMASIUM
Let me go.
SCELEDRUS
You are discovered in the fact. I won’t let you go.
PHILOCOMASIUM
But my hands shall just now sound again against your cheek, if you don’t let me go.
SCELEDRUS
to PALAESTRIO. Why the plague are you standing idle? Why don’t you hold her on the other side?
PALAESTRIO
I don’t choose to bring the business down upon my back. How do I know but that this is not Philocomasium, but is some other female that resembles her?
PHILOCOMASIUM
Will you let me go, or will you not let me go?
SCELEDRUS
No; by force and against your will, in spite of you, I’ll drag you home, unless you’ll go of your own accord.
PHILOCOMASIUM
pointing to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS. This is my lodging here abroad[5], at Athens is my home.
SCELEDRUS
But your master lives here. pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I have nothing to do with that house, nor do I know or understand yourselves what persons you are.
SCELEDRUS
Proceed against me[6] at law. I’ll never let you go, until you give me your solemn word that you will go indoors here pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house if I let go of you.
PHILOCOMASIUM
You are compelling me by force, whoever you are. I give you my word, that if you let go of me, I will go into that house where you bid me.
SCELEDRUS
Then, now I let go of you.
PHILOCOMASIUM
And, as I’m let go, I’ll go in here. Runs into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
SCELEDRUS
She has acted with a woman’s honour.
PALAESTRIO
Sceledrus, you’ve lost the prey through your hands; as sure as possible she is the lady of our master. Do you intend to act in this matter with spirit?
SCELEDRUS
How am I to act?
PALAESTRIO
Bring me a sword out here from in-doors.
SCELEDRUS
What will you do with it?
PALAESTRIO
I’ll break right into the house[7]; and whatever man I see in-doors there caressing Philocomasium, I’ll behead him on the spot.
SCELEDRUS
And do you think that it was she?
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, it was she, sure enough.
SCELEDRUS
But how she did dissemble.
PALAESTRIO
Go, bring me a sword out here.
SCELEDRUS
I’ll have it here at this moment. Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house. PALAESTRIO alone.
PALAESTRIO
Beyond a doubt, neither any horse nor foot has so great a degree of boldness in carrying out anything with as much confidence as some women. How cleverly and how skilfully she performed her part in both her characters!–how her wary keeper, my fellow-servant, is being gulled! ‘Tis most fortunate that the passage communicates through the party-wall. Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.
SCELEDRUS
Hallo! Palaestrio, there’s no occasion for the sword.
PALAESTRIO
How so?–or what’s the matter now?
SCELEDRUS
Our master’s lady is there, at home.
PALAESTRIO
What? At home?
SCELEDRUS
She’s lying on the sofa.
PALAESTRIO
Faith, but you’ve certainly brought on yourself a disagreeable affair, according to what you report.
SCELEDRUS
How so?
PALAESTRIO
Inasmuch as you have dared to touch that lady next door here.
SCELEDRUS
I’ faith, I fear it much. But no one shall ever make her be any other than her own twin sister.
PALAESTRIO
‘Twas she, in troth, that you saw toying: and, in fact, ’tis plain that it is she, as you remark.
SCELEDRUS
What was there more likely than that I should have been undone, if I had spoken of it to my master.
PALAESTRIO
Then, if you’re wise, you’ll hold your tongue. It befits a servant to know of more than he speaks. I’m going to leave you, that I may not at all participate in your designs. And I shall go to our neighbour here; these turmoils of yours don’t please me. My master, if he comes, should he inquire for me, I shall be there; send for me next door. Goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
- Sceledrus having been duly prepared, Philocomasium appears as her twin-sister, who is supposed to have come the day before from Athens to Ephesus, and gives directions about returning thanks for having landed in safety. As the circumstance of the communication between the houses is known to the Audience, and is not suspected by Sceledrus, his embarrassment is highly diverting, and very cleverly depicted. ↵
- Boisterous temples: In the language of the Poets, Neptune and the inferior Sea Divinities are supposed to have their temples and abodes in the sea and rivers. ↵
- Crackjaw name: “Perplexo nomine.” The Commentators seem to think that this means no more than “by my wrong name.” The word “perplexo” seems, however, to refer to the extreme length of the name, as well as the fact that it does not belong to her. ↵
- In the original Latin, the name is Diceae, which sounds like the Greek word for “just” or “righteous.” Scledrus is making a pun. ↵
- Lodging here abroad: “Hosticum domicilium,” “my lodging when abroad.” “Hostis” originally meant merely “a foreigner;” whereas its later signification was “an enemy.” ↵
- Proceed against me: “Lege agito.” “Lege agere” was a technical expression, meaning “to bring an action,” or “to sue a person at law.” It is said to have been the formal expression in commencing an action or suit. ↵
- Into the house: The mock rage of Palaestrio here is admirably drawn ↵