Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain
Act Four, Scene One
Enter PYRGOPOLINICES and PALAESTRIO.
PYRGOPOLINICES
‘Tis a pleasure what you do, if it succeeds agreeably and to your mind. For I this day have sent my Parasite to King Seleucus, to lead those soldiers, that I have levied, hence to Seleucus; in order that they may defend his kingdom till I have the leisure to attend in person.
PALAESTRIO
Why don’t you attend to your own concerns rather than those of Seleucus? What a charming new proposal is being offered to you through me as the negotiator.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Well then, I lay all other things aside, and I give my attention to you. Speak out: my ears, in fact, I surrender at your disposal.
PALAESTRIO
Look around, then, that no one here may be an eavesdropper for our discourse; for this business was entrusted me to transact with you in private.
PYRGOPOLINICES
(looks around). There’s no one near.
PALAESTRIO
In the first place, receive from me this pledge of affection. Gives him the ring.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What’s this? Whence comes it?
PALAESTRIO
From a charming and handsome lady, one who loves you, and dotes upon your extreme beauty. Her maid just now gave me the ring that I might then give it to you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What? Is she free-born or a freedwoman, made free from a slave by the Praetor’s rod[1]?
PALAESTRIO
Pshaw! Should I presume to be the bearer of a message to you from a person once a slave, who cannot sufficiently answer the demands of the free women who are longing for you?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Is she wife, or is she widow?
PALAESTRIO
She is both wife and widow.
PYRGOPOLINICES
In what way is it possible for the same woman to be a wife and a widow?
PALAESTRIO
Because she is a young woman married to an old man.
PYRGOPOLINICES
That’s good.
PALAESTRIO
She is of genteel and charming person.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Beware of misrepresenting.
PALAESTRIO
It is alone worthy to be compared with your own charms.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By my faith, you make her out to be a beauty. But who is she?
PALAESTRIO
The wife of that old gentleman, Periplecomenus, next door. She is dying for you, and wishes to leave him; she hates the old fellow. Now she has begged me to entreat and beseech you that you will give her your support and assistance.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’ faith, I’m ready for my part if she desires it.
PALAESTRIO
Doesn’t she long for it?
PYRGOPOLINICES
What shall we do with that mistress of mine, who is at my house?
PALAESTRIO
Why, do you bid her be gone about her business, wherever she chooses; as her twin-sister has come here to Ephesus, and her mother and they are come to fetch her.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Ha! what’s that you say? Has her mother come to Ephesus?
PALAESTRIO
Those say so who know it.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’ faith, a charming opportunity for me to turn the wench out of doors.
PALAESTRIO
Aye, but do you wish to do the thing handsomely?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Speak out, and give me your advice.
PALAESTRIO
Do you wish to pack her off forthwith, that she may quit you with good grace?
PYRGOPOLINICES
I do so wish.
PALAESTRIO
Then this is the thing you must do. You have a superabundance of wealth; bid the woman to keep as a present for herself the gold and trinkets which you have supplied her with, and to take herself off from your house wherever she likes.
PYRGOPOLINICES
It pleases me what you say; but yet, only think, if I should lose her, and the other change her mind?
PALAESTRIO
Pshaw! you’re over nice; a lady, that loves you as her own eyes.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Venus befriends me.
PALAESTRIO
Hist! hush! the door is opening; come this way a little out of sight. MILPHIDIPPA comes out of the house of PERIPLECOMENUS. This is her fly-boat-her go-between, that’s coming out there.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How so–fly-boat?
PALAESTRIO
This is her maid that is coming out of the house, she that brought that ring which I delivered to you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’ faith, she too is a prettyish wench.
PALAESTRIO
This one is a little monkey and an owl[2] in comparison with the other. Do you see how she hunts around with her eyes and goes fowling about with her ears? They stand aside.