Act Three, Scene One

Enter PALAESTRIO from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.

PALAESTRIO
on entering he calls to PLEUSICLES and PERIPLECOMENUS, who are in the house of the latter. Keep yourselves within^[1] doors, yet a moment, Pleusicles. Let me first look out, that there may be no ambush anywhere, against that council which we intend to hold. For now we have need of a safe place from which no enemy can win the spoils of our counsels. For a well-devised plan is very often filched away, if the place for deliberating has not been chosen with care or with caution; and what is well-advised is ill-advised if it proves of use to the enemy; and if it proves of use to the enemy, it cannot otherwise than prove a detriment to yourself. For if the enemy learn your plans, by your own self-same plans they tie your tongue and bind your hands; and they do the very same to you that you intended to do to them. But I’ll spy about, lest any one, either in this direction on the left or on the right, should come like a huntsman on our counsels with his ears like toils^[2]. Looks about. Quite vacant is the prospect hence right to the bottom of the street. I’ll call them out. Hallo! Periplecomenus and Pleusicles, come out! Enter PERIPLECOMENUS and PLEUSICLES from the house of the former.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Behold us here obedient to your call.

PALAESTRIO
The sway is easy over the good. But I wish to know if we are to carry out the matter on the same plan that we formed within?

PERIPLECOMENUS
Why, in fact, there’s nothing that can be more conducive to our purpose. Well, what say you, Pleusicles?

PLEUSICLES
Can that displease me which pleases yourselves? What person is there more my friend than your own self?

PERIPLECOMENUS
You speak kindly and obligingly.

PALAESTRIO
Faith, and so he ought to do.

PLEUSICLES
But this affair shockingly distresses me and torments my very heart and body.

PERIPLECOMENUS
What is it that torments you? Tell me.

PLEUSICLES
That I should cause childish actions in a person of your years, and that I should require of you deeds that neither become yourself nor your virtues; and that, with all your might, for my sake you are striving to aid me in my passion, and are doing actions of such a kind, as, when done, these years of yours are wont rather to avoid than follow. I am ashamed that I cause you this trouble in your old age.

PERIPLECOMENUS
You are a person in love after a new fashion. If, in fact, you are ashamed of anything you do, you are nothing of a lover. You are rather the shadow of those who are in love, than a true lover, Pleusicles.

PLEUSICLES
Ought I to employ these years of yours in seconding my love?

PERIPLECOMENUS
How say you? Do I seem to you so very much a subject for Acheron^[3]? So much a bier’s-man^[4]? Do I seem to you to have had so very long a life? Why, really, I am not more than four-and-fifty years old; I see clearly with my eyes, I’m ready with my hands, I’m active with my feet.

PALAESTRIO
If he is seen by you to have white hair, he is by no means an old man in mind; in him the natural strength of his mind is unimpaired.

PLEUSICLES
By my troth, for my part, I have found it to be so as you say, Palaestrio; for, in fact, his kindness is quite that of a young man.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Yes, my guest, the more you make trial of it, the more you will know my courtesy towards you in your love.

PLEUSICLES
What need to know what’s known already?

PERIPLECOMENUS
I’ll show you more amiability on my part than I’ll make mention of * * * * * * * that you may have instances for proving it at home, and not have to seek it out of doors. For unless one has loved himself, with difficulty he sees into the feelings of one in love. But I have some little love and moisture in my body still, and not yet am I dried up for the pursuits of merriment and pleasure. Either the merry banterer likewise, or the agreable boon-companion will I be; no interrupter of another am I at a feast. I bear in mind how properly to keep myself from proving disagreable to my fellow-guests; and how to take a due share with my conversation, and to be silent as well in my turn, when the discourse belongs to another. Far from being a spitter or hawker am I, far from being a dirty-nosed old fellow, too. And never do I take liberties with any person’s mistress when out in company; I don’t snatch up the dainty bits before another, nor take the cup before my turn; nor, through wine, do dissensions ever arise on my account at the convivial board. If there is any one there that is disagreable, I go off home; I cut the parley short. Stretched at my ease, I devote myself to pleasure, love, and mirth. In fine, at Ephesus was I born, not among the Apulians, not at Animula^[5].

PLEUSICLES
O what a most delightful old man, if he possesses the qualities he mentions! Why, troth, surely now, he was brought up in the very rearing of Venus.

PALAESTRIO
Why, in fact, you will not find another person who is of his years, more accomplished in every respect, or who is more a friend to his friend.

PLEUSICLES
By my troth, your whole manners really do show marks of first-rate breeding. Find me three men of such manners against a like weight in double-distilled gold^[6].

PERIPLECOMENUS
I’ll make you confess that I really am a youngster in my manners; so abounding in kindnesses will I prove myself to you in every respect. Should you have need of an advocate, severe or fierce? I am he. Have you need of one that is gentle? You shall say that I am more gentle than the sea is when hush’d, and something more balmy will I prove than is the Zephyr breeze^[7]. In this same person will I display to you either the most jovial boon-companion, or the first-rate trencher-man^[8], and the best of caterers. Then, as for dancing, there is no ballet-master that is so supple as I.

PALAESTRIO
 to PLEUSICLES. What could you wish added to these accomplishments, if the option were given you?

PLEUSICLES
That thanks could be returned by me to him in a degree equal to his deserts, and to yourself, to both of whom, I feel that I am now the cause of extreme anxiety. But it is grievous to me to be the cause of so great expense to you.

PERIPLECOMENUS
You are a simpleton. For, if you lay anything out on a bad wife and upon an enemy, that is an expense; that which is laid out on a deserving guest and a friend is gain; as that, which is expended upon sacred rites, is a profit to the wise man. By the blessing of the Gods, I have enough, with which to receive you with hospitality in my house. Eat, drink, indulge your tastes with me, and surfeit yourself with enjoyments; my house is at your service, myself likewise do I wish to be at your service. For, through the blessing of the Gods, I may say that, by reason of my wealth, I could have married a dowered wife of the best family; but I don’t choose to introduce an everlasting female barker at me into my house.

PLEUSICLES
Why don’t you choose? For ’tis a delightful thing to be the father of children.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Troth, ’tis very much sweeter by far to be free^[9] yourself. For a good wife, if it is possible for her to be married anywhere on earth, where can I find her? But am I to take one home who is never to say this to me, “Buy me some wool, my dear, with which a soft and warm cloak may be made, and good winter under-clothes^[10], that you mayn’t catch cold this winter-weather;” such an expression as this you can never hear from a wife, but, before the cocks crow, she awakes me from my sleep, and says, “Give me some money, my dear, with which to make my mother a present on the Calends^[11], give me some money to make preserves; give me something to give on the Quinquatrus^[12] to the sorceress^[13], to the woman who interprets the dreams, to the prophetess, and to the female diviner; besides, ’tis impossible for me, in civility, not to fee the expiating woman; for long has^[14] the mattress-maker^[15] been grumbling because she has received nothing; besides, the midwife found fault with me, that too little had been sent for her. What! arn’t you going to send something to the nurse that brings up the young slaves^[16]? It’s a shame if nothing’s sent her; with what a brow^[17] she does look at me.” These and many other expenses of the women like to these frighten me from a wife, to be uttering speeches to me like to this.

PALAESTRIO
In good sooth, the Gods are propitious to you; for so soon as you lose this liberty, you will not easily reinstate yourself in the same condition.

PLEUSICLES
You are a person who are able to counsel wisely both for another and for yourself. But ’tis some merit for a man of noble family and of ample wealth to rear children–a memorial of his race and of himself.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Since I have many relations, what need have I of children? Now I live well and happily, and as I like, and as contents my feelings. For I shall bequeath my property to my relations, and divide it among them. These, like children, pay attentions to me; they come to see how I do, or what I want; before it is daybreak they are with me; they make inquiry how I have enjoyed my sleep in the night. Them will I have for children who are ever sending presents to me. Are they sacrificing–they give a greater part of it to me than to themselves; they take me home with them to share the entrails^[18]; they invite me to their houses to breakfast and to dinner. He thinks himself most unfortunate, who has sent but very little to me. They vie with one another with their presents; I say in a low voice to myself: “They are gaping after my property; while, in their emulation, they are nourishing me and loading me with presents.”

PALAESTRIO
Upon right good grounds and right well do you fully understand yourself and your own interests, and if you are happy, sons twofold and threefold have you.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Troth, if I had had them, enough anxiety should I have had from my children. * * * * * * I should have been everlastingly tormented in mind; but if perchance one had had a fever, I think I should have died. Or if one, in liquor, had tumbled anywhere from his horse, I should have been afraid that he had broken his legs or neck on that occasion.

PALAESTRIO
‘Tis right that riches should come, and that long life should be granted to this man, who both husbands his property and yet enjoys himself and has kind wishes for his friends.

PLEUSICLES
O what a delightful person! So may the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, ’twere right the Deities should so ordain that all should not live after one rule as to the duration of life. Just as he who is a trusty market-officer^[19] sets their prices on the wares; as that which is good or valuable is sold according to its excellence, and that which is worthless, according to the faultiness of the commodity, deprives its owner of its price; so were it right that the Gods should. portion out the life of man, so as to give to him who is kindly disposed a long life, and speedily to deprive of existence those who are reprobate and wicked. If they had provided this, bad men would both have been fewer, and with less hardihood would they do their wicked deeds; and then, those who were good men, of them there would have been a more plenteous harvest.

PERIPLECOMENUS
He who would blame the ordinances of the Gods must be foolish and ignorant. * * * At present we must at once have an end of these matters; for new I want to go to market, that, my guest, according to your own deserts and mine, I may entertain you hospitably at my house, heartily and with right hearty cheer.

PLEUSICLES
I am content with^[20] the expense that I have been to you already. For no guest can be thus hospitably entertained by a friend, but that when he has been there three days running, he must now become a bore; but when he is prolonging his stay for ten successive days, he is a nuisance to the household. Although the master willingly allows it, the servants grumble.

PERIPLECOMENUS
I have trained up the servants that are in my service, my guest, not to rule over me, or for me to be obedient to them. If that is disagreable to them which is agreable to me, I steer my own course^[21]; that which they don’t like must still be done at their peril, and whether they like it or no. Now, as I intended, I shall go to market.

PLEUSICLES
If you are resolved, do cater somewhat within bounds, at no great expense; anything is enough for me^[22].

PERIPLECOMENUS
Won’t you now^[23] have done with that old-fashioned and antiquated talk? Now surely, guest, you are using the cant of the vulgar^[24]. For they are in the habit of saying when they have taken their places when dinner is put on table: “What necessity was there for you to go to this great expense on out account? Surely you were mad, for this same dinner was enough for ten persons.” What has been provided on their account they find fault with; they eat it up, however.

PALAESTRIO
Troth, in that self-same fashion ’tis generally done. How clever and shrewd is his discernment.

PERIPLECOMENUS
But these same persons never say, although such an abundance has been provided, “Do order that to be taken off; do take away this dish; remove this gammon of bacon, I’ll have none of it; put aside that piece of pork; this conger’s good^[25] when cold; remove it, take and put it aside.” You hear none of them saying this in earnest, but they stretch themselves out, while with half their bodies^[26] on the table, they are indulging their appetite.

PALAESTRIO
How cleverly the good soul has described their bad manners.

PERIPLECOMENUS
I have not said a hundredth part of what I could have enlarged upon had there been leisure for the matter.

PALAESTRIO
The business, then, that we are about–to that we ought first to turn our thoughts. Do you both, now, give me your attention. I have need, Periplecomenus, of your assistance; for I have hit upon a pleasant trick, how this Captain with his long locks may be fleeced quite close^[27], and how we may effect a means for Philocomasium, and this her lover, that he may carry her off hence, and have her as his own.

PERIPLECOMENUS
I wish this plan to be imparted to me.

PALAESTRIO
And I, wish that ring of yours to be imparted to me.

PERIPLECOMENUS
For what purpose is it to be used?

PALAESTRIO
When I have got it, I will impart the plan of my devices.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Take and use it. (Gives him the ring.)

PALAESTRIO
Take from me in return the plan of my contrivance that I have hit upon.

PERIPLECOMENUS
We are listening to you with most attentive ear.

PALAESTRIO
My master is such a shocking rake among the women, that I think no one ever was his equal, nor ever will be.

PERIPLECOMENUS
I believe the same as well.

PALAESTRIO
He boasts, too, that his beauty exceeds that of Alexander^[28]; and, therefore, he says that all the women^[29] in Ephesus of their own accord are courting him.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Aye, faith, many there are who could wish^[30] that you were now telling an untruth about him. But I am convinced full well that it is as you say. For that reason, Palaestrio, do compress your words in as short a compass as ever you possibly can.

PALAESTRIO
Can you, then, find any woman of agreeable person, whose mind and body are full of merriment and subtlety?

PERIPLECOMENUS
Free by birth, or bondwoman made free?

PALAESTRIO
I consider that a matter of indifference so that you find one who is greedy for gain, who supports her body by her charms, who has, too, her senses all awake; as for her heart, that cannot be so, as none of them have one.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Do you want one that has^[31] taken her degrees, or one as yet a novice in the art?

PALAESTRIO
One sober but plump^[32], a juicy bit; as taking a one as ever you can find, and one very young.

PERIPLECOMENUS
Why, I have one, a dependant of mine, a courtesan, a very young woman. But what is the occasion for her?

PALAESTRIO
For you to bring her home at once to your house as your wife, and, for that reason, to bring her there dressed out, so that she may wear her locks with her hair arranged, and fillets after the fashion of matrons^[33], and may pretend that she is your wife; so you must instruct her.

PERIPLECOMENUS
I am at a loss of what road you are taking.

PALAESTRIO
Well, you shall know. But what sort of a maid has she?

PERIPLECOMENUS
She is a rare clever one.

PALAESTRIO
We have need of her as well; so give your instructions to the damsel and her maid, to pretend that she is your wife and is doting upon this Captain; and as though she had given this ring to her maid, then she to me, that I might deliver it to the Captain; and I must be as though it were a go-between in this matter.

PERIPLECOMENUS
I hear you; don’t stun my ears as if I were deaf.

PALAESTRIO
I myself will go straightway to him; I’ll say that it has been brought and delivered to me from your wife, in order that I might introduce her to him. He’ll be distractedly longing for her at home, a scoundrel that cares for nothing else whatever but intriguing.

PERIPLECOMENUS
If you had commissioned the Sun himself to search them out, he couldn’t have found, better than myself, two more cleverly suited for this business. Be of good courage about it.

PALAESTRIO
Take you every care then. There is need of despatch. (Exit PERIPLECOMENUS.)

PALAESTRIO
Now, do you listen, Pleusicles.

PLEUSICLES
I am all attention to you.

PALAESTRIO
Take care of this. When the Captain comes home, remember not to call Philocomasium by her name.

PLEUSICLES
What am I to call her?

PALAESTRIO
Glycera.

PLEUSICLES
The same, you mean, that was agreed upon a little time since.

PALAESTRIO
Hush!–Be off.

PLEUSICLES
I’ll remember, but still, I don’t know what use it is to keep it in my mind.

PALAESTRIO
But I will tell you, at the time, when occasion shall require. Meanwhile, be quiet; so that, bye and bye, when he too shall be acting his part^[34], you may, on the instant, be minding your cue.

PLEUSICLES
I’ll go in then.

PALAESTRIO
Go, and do take care steadily to follow my instructions. PLEUSICLES goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.