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Chapter 12: Providing Support for TFGBV Survivors

Sometimes, a survivor who is experiencing TFGBV will not bring it up to you at first. Instead, you may have to do your own check-in, if you suspect TFGBV.

In these cases, you may feel something is “off” with a person, but you may also worry about saying the wrong thing or making the person feel judged or pressured. In this chapter we will discuss having conversations about TFGBV and then how to provide support to survivors.

How to ask about TFGBV

Asking about TFGBV requires gentleness, respect, and a focus on the person’s feelings rather than the technology itself. The goal is to open a door to a conversation, rather than to force them to tell you everything. A supportive approach works best when it combines three elements: safety, curiosity, and autonomy.

Safety: Creating the Conditions for a Safe Conversation

A person is more likely to talk if they feel calm, respected, and in control. Before asking anything, caregivers can pay attention to:

• Privacy, so the person is not overheard
• Tone of voice that is soft and non‑urgent
• Body language that is open and relaxed
• Timing, choosing a moment when the person is not stressed or distracted

These small choices help the person feel safe enough to share.

You may also want to consider if you are the best person to have this conversation with. For example, if you have triggers or have experienced traumatic events related to GBV or something similar, you need to consider whether you are able to engage in this conversation safely.

Your safety and ability to engage in this conversation appropriately will have a big impact on how the survivor will feel and respond.

Gentle: Gentle Ways to Start the Conversation

Openers that focus on feelings rather than accusations help reduce fear and shame. You might be able to try:

• “I have noticed you seem stressed when your phone goes off. How are you feeling about things online lately?”
• “Sometimes online spaces can feel overwhelming. Has anything been bothering you?”
• “You deserve to feel safe when you use your phone. Is anything making you uncomfortable?”
• “I care about you and want to check in. How have things been going with your apps or messages?”

These questions first reaffirm a truth and feeling of care, which grounds the conversation. Then, they ask a general question around their technology use and experiences. Hopefully, this invites conversation without assuming anything is wrong or creating unnecessary fear.

Sometimes your instinct or hunch is wrong, and no TFGBV is actually occurring. However, if you see the signs of TFGBV, it’s better to ask to make sure that there is nothing wrong, than to assume all is well.

Autonomy: Questions That Respect Autonomy

People experiencing TFGBV often feel watched or controlled. Questions should give them space to choose what to share, and with whom. Supportive examples include:

• “Would you like to talk about anything that has been happening online?”
• “Do you want help with anything on your device, or would you prefer to handle it yourself?”
• “Is there anything online that feels confusing or upsetting?”
• “Do you feel safe with the people you talk to online?”
• “If something is going on that you don’t want to tell me, do you have someone you can talk to for support?”

These questions show care without taking over the conversation or forcing disclosures or reporting.

Below, we have provided further examples of how questions about different forms of violence, which do not directly accuse or pressure someone.

Examples of asking gentle and curious questions

Questions that can help assess if someone is experiencing digital coercive control:

If you suspect that someone is being monitored or pressured, you can ask in a way that avoids blame, instead of: “Have you experienced coercive control?”, try:

• “Has anyone been asking for your passwords or checking your phone without asking?”
• “Has anyone been telling you what you can or cannot do online?”
• “Has anyone made you feel scared to post or message people?”
• “Has anyone changed things on your device without explaining why?”

These questions focus on behaviour, not the person’s choices.

Questions to check if someone is experiencing TFGBV from a caregiver or service provider:

For people who need help with technology, it is important to separate support from control. Ask questions like:

• “Do you feel comfortable with the way people help you with your technology?”
• “Is there anyone helping you with your device who makes you feel nervous or unsure?”
• “Do you want to choose someone else to help you with your phone or apps?”

These questions reinforce that support should feel safe, not forced.

Certain approaches can shut down conversation or increase fear for the person who may be experiencing TFGBV. As a caregiver, family member, or other loved one, you have a responsibility to try to avoid re-traumatizing or assigning blame to the survivor. To do this, keep the following rules in mind:

Do not ask: “Why did you let this happen?” or saying things like, “I told you they were bad news!” As it places blame on the survivor.

Do not demand or confiscate the survivor’s phone or devices. This strips them of autonomy in an already vulnerable situation.

Do not threaten to hurt or seek revenge about the person you suspect is causing harm. This does not help and can make the survivor feel responsible for your own negative reaction, and may even cause them to hold back information.

Do not minimize the survivor’s feelings, for example, saying, “It’s not that bad.” Or, “Don’t be silly, they can’t hurt you.”

Do not make promises you cannot keep. For example: saying “I will never let them hurt you again,” may disempower them, and create dependence on you. Instead, say, “I will help you as much as I can, and you will find a way for you to feel safe again.”

“What do I do if a survivor does not want to talk to me?”

Not everyone is ready to share. Caregivers and family members can keep the door to communication open by keeping calm and using very open language. You can say things like:

• “That is okay. You can talk to me anytime.”
• “You do not have to explain anything right now.”
• “I am here for you whenever you feel ready.”

This helps the person feel respected rather than pressured.

Safety note: If there are obvious signs of immediate physical danger to this person, either due to their own mental health, due to the severity of the TFGBV, or if the survivor is an underage (under the age of 18) victim of sexual violence, you need to speak up. Immediate safety should come first. Access supports listed in our linked Support and Resources Page.

Supporting a Survivor’s Next Steps

After beginning the conversation about TFGBV, what do you do next? Next steps should be survivor-directed, but also appropriate according to the situation. In some cases, the survivor will not wish to do anything beyond receiving support from yourself or other loved ones, and engaging in online protection behaviors. While this can be a fine response in some cases, in others, there needs to be an escalation to outside supports.

Again, if there are obvious signs of immediate physical danger to this person, immediate safety should come first. Call 112 to contact the SAPS for emergencies. Access additional supports listed in our linked Support and Resources Page.

If not, but you still know that they need additional help, consider accessing outside supports.

Encouraging outside supports

If the person is in danger, it is important to help them connect with someone trained to support people experiencing violence. This may include a trusted friend or family member, a disability support worker, a community-based organization, a doctor or therapist, or a crisis or gender-based violence center. You can use phrases like:

• “There are people who can help you stay safe. Would you like me to help you connect with them?”
• “You do not have to handle this alone. There are services that understand situations like this.”

The goal is to offer options, not instructions. Another way to help is by taking on the task of managing accessibility for them. Many times, people with disabilities are forced to do the work of locating accessible and inclusive resources, on their own. This can create fatigue and labour that makes it more difficult to seek help (read more about this in an article by Annika Konrad).

Consider the suggestions we have provided, but also look into your own local resources. By doing so, you can check for their accessibility and appropriateness for your loved one, giving them a simpler route to finding support.

Resources